First life whispers; then it screams
“Difficulties come when you don’t pay attention to life’s whisper. Life always whispers to you first, but if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you’ll get a scream”
— Oprah Winfrey
Or in my case, sooner or later you’ll get thrown off your bike. The universe will do whatever it takes to force you to slow down, quite literally. The more you ignore those whispers, the more ways the universe will find a way for you to listen.
I left my stable job in financial services last year. I am one year into setting up my art business. I am in recovery.
As the UK reached record level temperatures during our summer heatwave, my thoughts, my internals, my physiology, my brain equally went from simmering, to boiling, to wanting to explode.
The summer has been hot and crazy, in all senses. I lost my right-hand lady; I was lucky enough to cling-on to one of my team members and now I have a team of four — three of whom were employed in the last few weeks.
My brain has settled into constant overdrive, saying a million different things at once whilst my body has been doing another.
Getting into this state isn’t something new for me, I’ve had patterns and spirals of it all through my life. Typically, when I get into this state, I need a release. History showed me cigarettes were perfect for a short-term release. Alcohol and weed for the daily release and cocaine to really get away from it all reserved for a couple of times a week. Computer games and gambling would happily fill in any other gaps.
Life gets a bit tricker when you get rid of the cigarettes, alcohol and drugs — which is where I’m at now. Numbing mechanisms creep up in other ways, some more obvious with computer games and others look like venting about ‘my woes’ in work and ultimately avoiding painting.
I can safely say I was going a bit mad, I needed something to get me away from the madness of it all. I needed something to get me away from life.
In a strange way, the universe delivered. I was having an incredible day cycling with a friend when my chain got stuck, I flew off, hurtling and skidding through some gravel and hitting the deck. It wasn’t fun, I’ll tell you that.
I went from working out almost every day, to not working out at all. I’ve been nursing the gashes on my elbow and knee and it’s difficult to sleep or even just bend down.
But wow, what a fucking release. In that moment, something quite major changed in my life. Things were outside my control. After a quick detour to the pharmacy and some clearing up of blood, I came home and started putting my life back to together one step at a time. Whilst physically patching myself back up, I was doing the same on a mental level.
I stopped feeling guilty for not painting. I took my foot off the gas and finally released, I realised that if I keep going at warp speed I’m not going to get anywhere. Isn’t it ironic that in some cases the more we push, the slower we go? Stopping, slowing, releasing was exactly what I needed to see things clearly again. When you’re going at one hundred miles an hour, you’re not seeing anything for what it is.
Last time I had a big accident was in 2012. I fell off my bike and broke my collar bone, started smoking again instantly and the next day I got a call to say that my sister had committed suicide.
Fuck, this little fall has got me reflecting.
And I feel grateful that my eyes are wide open and I’m not numbing myself anymore, I’m really here. Open and ready for whatever comes next.
