I quit the vape… (Diary 3rd March)

I quit the vape and now I’m angry!

I wanted to quit, but I fu3k am I feeling it this time. I walk around the house with Tourettes; the ‘C’-word has become my favourite noun. My anger and displeasure only seem to be quashed when I go into a cold shower, at which point I break into song but then instantly return to the misguided self-pity.

I go to the gym or do yoga, and I feel better for the whole time and the following 5 minutes. But then back to the craving.

I started vaping around Christmas time or just before, 2 months ago.

I quit ‘real’ cigarettes in Sept 2020; I’d made it over a year. I’d been a full-time 25 a day smoker for 25 years before this. It’s safe to say it’s in my bones.

I found it one of the best ways to take the edge off life; to some extent, it also motivated me to get stuff done.

But I have a son now. He is nearly four, and smoking real cigarettes will not see me well.

Giving up ‘real’ cigarettes was a reason outside of myself. As much as I hated what it did to my health and my ability to exercise, the overriding factor was that I wanted to be alive longer and be healthier for my son.

Why did I quit the vape? Because it was starting to affect my exercise. I’d become entirely dependent on it. Wake up, all through the day, in bed at night! Maybe subconsciously, I know that I’ve quit for my son. But it seems more that I’ve done it for myself.

The issue with the week has then been that I’ve lost motivation for painting, creating and general living. Therefore, finding other ways to step aside from life, such as mindless computer games on the iPad or chocolate, in hope of numbing any cravings.

I know that I am on the up now. Nicotine is a devil drug, but it only stays in your system for about 3 days. After this, it is mainly habit that keeps you wanting it.

I used to watch rehabs when I was younger, wondering why in the hell they let people smoke as it was sure to end their life early. Surely being addicted to alcohol was better than smoking yourself to death! How little I knew.

I only say this now as genuinely smoking was my saviour when I gave up the other addictions! It took a couple of years of being sober before I could finally step away from the nicotine.

Why did I go back to the vape? I was just testing the water, I think. Can I just do things lightly? It’s not as harmful as cigarettes!

But point proven, the answer was a solid no! Maybe just a polite reminder that I needed to never sway back towards alcohol, drugs, etc.

To conclude, giving up nicotine makes me really friggin touchy, angry, and my self-pity starts to bubble. All lessons, behaviours, and conditioning seem to go out of the window. The character that seems to bestow itself on me in these early days of quitting flies in the face of everything I am trying to be as a decent human being.

It’s hard to express anger in the real world. Anger is not in high supply for social engagements. It’s not top of the agenda for a friendly chat! It’s an ostracized emotion!

I have to ride the storm alone, put on a brave face in company and now use my newly set-free lungs to go and do some mad cardiovascular exercise.

On a plus note, I’m delighted not to be smoking that thing all day. I’m happy that I am through the storm, and I’m really excited to start having gratitude back in my life.




Founder/Owner: Deano Hewitts (www.deanohewitts.com) || Reconnecting people to themselves through art. ✨ Pause & connect with limited-edition prints of my art

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

Good-Bye Fear

The word 2021 made out of Masks

The Struggle of Understanding People with Drug Addiction

The First Signs of Alcoholic Liver Damage Are Not in the Liver

So where to begin…


Why The Ideal Time To Get Sober Is Now

Is Addiction Hereditary?

My New Years resolutions have been broken more times than I care to admit.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Deano Hewitts

Deano Hewitts

Founder/Owner: Deano Hewitts (www.deanohewitts.com) || Reconnecting people to themselves through art. ✨ Pause & connect with limited-edition prints of my art

More from Medium

Life with Dementia, …You’re Just Being Silly!

My Fatty Liver is Pissed!

On Midlife and the Fire of Initiation

My Encounter with Grief After I Lost My Father