Once an addict, always an addict — but I try to forget this!
And I just keep finding more!
Expressing myself on a bad day!
Approaching five years free of weed, four years free of alcohol, about three years free of cigarettes, and a couple of years free of online gambling, I still chew nicotine gum and drink 3–4 strong coffees daily.
But it just occurred to me that I am more addicted to screens than I ever was to any of the above. (take that with a pinch of salt!)
I remember getting a Gameboy, one of the first handheld devices, in the early 90s. I would sit on it for hours playing Tetris and was good at it. I got a mobile phone in 1995 and then played Snake on it constantly, another unfulfilling game.
It escalated with the eruption of porn on the internet, computer games, social media and the aforementioned gambling. I worked in finance for about 25 years, which was pretty much all computer-based.
I quit two years ago to follow my passion for being an artist, and it’s worse than ever. Yesterday was a long day on the paints, and I couldn’t switch it off, so I just watched and watched.
As I type this now, all I can think of is going to watch the iPad for an hour before I go to bed. I wake up with shame and guilt that I am not doing what I want to/need to do to get my name known in the art world.
I find myself heathen to the things I shouldn’t be doing, with no self-worth or gratitude, loneliness, and despondency.
I used to think it was the drugs or the alcohol or the gambling, but now it’s the screens I turn the blame to.
Really, it is just a big stack of lack of discipline, irrevocable pain, blind delusion, and a complete lack of clarity that drive me in a whirlwind of frustration from one thing to the next!
Forgetting yesterday’s plans and goals, treading water, sometimes getting ahead but mainly going backwards fast.
It’s times like these that I question existence, sitting in indifference when apathy kicks in, the worst of all places to be. At least if I am entirely fucked off, it means something; when I am flying high, it is incredible.
But apathy is dull, and this drives my bad decisions. Once I am high on life again, I have a backlog of things to clear up with the energy.
When I am fucked off, I tend to fix all the shit and start new great plans.
I don’t find time to channel my emotions into my art.
But as I write this, I am getting some emotion out, albeit paradoxically, on a screen!!!
The best way to get off screens is to exercise, which I did for about 2.5 hours today.
That was screen-free time.
Then I started cleaning the house, which I often do when I am annoyed and trying to ignore myself, again, time off screens.
Onwards and sideways!
